


Certainty

by Mareel



Series: Always [39]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Destroy Ending, Falling In Love, Fantasizing, Grief/Mourning, Horizon (Mass Effect), Intimacy, Introspection, Letters, Love, M/M, Mass Effect 1, Mass Effect 2, Mass Effect 3, Memories, Post-Canon, Post-Mass Effect 3, Pre-Relationship, Survivor Guilt, Touching, Vancouver
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2016-03-29
Packaged: 2018-05-26 02:04:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6219370
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mareel/pseuds/Mareel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A good time for us to have a heart to heart...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What are you thinking about?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [potionsmaster](https://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/gifts).



> This takes place ten months after the end of the Reaper war, at their home near Vancouver. It is the day after the events of [ On the Other Side](http://archiveofourown.org/works/6191311) and includes many references to all three parts of the ME series. It is Kaidan's voice. 
> 
> This was written for [potionsmaster](http://archiveofourown.org/users/potionsmaster/pseuds/potionsmaster) and I thank her for her incredible patience with the length of time it took to come together - and for her encouragement every step of the way. She requested a story based on a prompt about OTP headcanon:
> 
>    
>  _Have person A tell person B "I'll never forget the moment I fell in love with you," then have them elaborate. Bonus points if person B reciprocates._
> 
>    
> The way it turned out, it's more of the two of them asking one another about when it happened. Their answers were... complicated.

 

"Beautiful day. Hard to believe it's almost October."

It's sunny and warm enough for just light jackets, even down along the shoreline. Some gusty breezes occasionally blow a bit of spray in our direction, but the water is pretty calm and as blue as I ever remember seeing it. We've been walking in mostly silence, holding hands. John has his cane with him, but he hasn't needed it yet. 

"Yeah. You used to talk about how beautiful this was. Never thought I'd get it see it for myself."

Shepard's hand tightens on mine, but not to steady himself, just to communicate.

"Because you were afraid the Reapers had destroyed it when they attacked Vancouver?" It hurts to remember that day when it seemed not only possible but very likely that would happen. Watching those terrible predatory shapes descending on my hometown... I shudder and try to put it out of my mind. 

I catch the shake of John's head. "No... well maybe partly that, I guess. Mostly I didn't think I'd live long enough to see what did survive of it. And that made me sad – when you described English Bay to me that day at Apollo's, it sounded like the most beautiful place in the world to you. And I remember thinking I'd like to see it, maybe with you."

We stop walking for a moment and I turn to kiss him softly. "And now we're here... together. That makes it even more amazing, you know? I wasn't sure I'd ever get to share it with you. But I wanted to... At that moment, at Apollo's, I knew I had to say something. I guess I had to know if it was just me."

"I'm glad you did, Kaidan. It felt like we'd been... I don't know, kind of circling around something. But you must have been thinking about it. You asked me once, at Huerta, if I was flirting with you. I didn't admit that I wouldn't even know how." 

"Maybe I just wanted to believe you were." 

" _Let me live in the illusion..._ that was something to think about."

"Yeah. I guess it would have been. I dunno. Maybe the meds lowered my inhibitions... or maybe nearly dying did that. Something felt kind of... well, different."

We resume our slow walk and I reach for his hand again. John's endurance has improved a lot since we left London four months ago, even without regular physical therapy sessions. When we were at the orchard, we'd walked a little further every day – every path was new to him and he'd wanted to see it all. 

John's next words are quiet. I have to lean close to catch them over the sound of the waves splashing on the rocks. "When did you first realize it? How you felt..."

I know what he's asking, despite the vagueness of the question. It's not something we've ever really talked about. But after the mention of Apollo's and Huerta... and the things we talked about last night – the letters we exchanged after the mess on Horizon – I guess I'm not surprised by the question.

I don't have an easy answer.

"Hard to know a specific beginning, John. Looking back, it's hard to remember a time when I wasn't some kind of in love with you. But I didn't call it that. Not right away. I figured it could be just attraction, or hero-worship... I don't know, maybe just friendship. I'd never had many close friends."

He's silent for a long moment. "You mean back on the old _Normandy_?"

I tighten my clasp on his hand. "Yeah. It started there. You always wanted to talk to me... no one had ever asked my opinions the way you did."

"I tried to talk to everyone... wanted to get to know the crew, figure out who would give me an honest opinion rather than just what they thought I wanted to hear. Or who would subtly – or not so subtly – push their own agenda."

"Well, I didn't know why my opinions mattered, but I told you things... stuff I'd never shared with anyone. Not even my parents. They got just the basics when I came back from Jump Zero... and probably filled in some of the blanks for themselves. But for some reason, I _wanted_ to tell _you._ I guess maybe I wanted you to know the kind of man you were trusting." 

I pause, remembering those talks in the mess or outside his cabin on the SR-1. "And it felt like I could trust you with the knowledge. Even the personal stuff, you know?"

John returns the squeeze of my hand, rubbing his thumb over mine slowly, waiting for me to continue. Just like back then, he didn't try to put words in my mouth, letting me tell this my way. 

"And fighting together... We made a pretty amazing team, Shepard. I promised I'd always have your back. And you seemed to want me there."

I hear the smile in his voice even before I glance over at his face. "Yeah. We made a helluva good team, Alenko. I trusted you with my life... knew you'd always be there." 

He pauses and the smile fades as he bites his lower lip. "Until you weren't. That was the first thing I missed when Cerberus woke me up in the middle of a firefight and told me I'd been dead. _Dead._.. yeah. I had no time for that to even sink in. But I knew you weren't there on my six. I felt naked, exposed, needing to trust people I didn't like having to depend on."

We stop walking and I pull him into my arms, searching his eyes. I don't know what I expected, but what I see is the glitter of unshed tears. Maybe he'd never let himself grieve for that loss... I don't know. How the hell do you grieve for your own death? I just draw his head onto my shoulder and hold him for a few minutes, stroking the back of his hair and neck, murmuring softly. When he finally looks up, he scrubs his knuckles across his eyes and tries a smile. 

"I never told anyone that, Kaidan. Not in words like that. I remember telling Garrus that I missed having you with us, and he agreed that our squad was missing something. But there weren't many people on the _SR2_ who had known you, and I didn't want to mention you to the Cerberus people. Everything I said went right to the Illusive Man. And he already knew too damn much about you..."

His voice trails off into places I can't follow. I kiss him lightly to try to draw him back. He rolls his shoulder, seeming to physically shake off those memories. "Sorry, Kaidan. I didn't mean to interrupt what you were telling me."

"It's okay. I hadn't realized you'd felt it so strongly... the feeling of something – or _someone_ – being missing. It must have been rough."

"Yeah, it was... and the feeling never went away."

I nod, trying to find my train of thought again as we resume our walk, neither of paying much attention to our surroundings beyond trying to keep our feet dry and stay out of the pools left by the outgoing tide. 

"Back on the old _Normandy_ , I tried to find ways I could help. Nothing big, you know, but just something. After your experience with the beacon, I worried about you, and what it might have done to you. It was easy to see that you weren't eating much, slept even less."

"Yeah. I guess I didn't know it was that obvious."

"It was to me. I didn't know if you ever talked about any of it. You didn't seem to be close to anyone in particular... always kept a distance, despite some pretty obvious flirtations directed your way."

He doesn't say anything. I don't know if he'd ever even noticed those. That I _had_ seen them – and noticed his non-reaction – probably said more about me than about him... We keep walking and I continue.

"Sure, some of us went for drinks on the Citadel together sometimes, but that was as colleagues, just a way to blow off a little steam after a fight, you know? You'd come along, but you never really seemed to have a personal life – you were completely focused on the mission." 

"Yeah. Finding Saren, exposing the threat... it was pretty much my whole focus. It had to be. The cost of failure..."

"You had so much on your shoulders. A lot of expectations."

"The Council trusted me to do it. Anderson gave up his own command to me, expecting me to succeed where he couldn't. And yeah, the damn beacon... it was never far from my mind. Even when we did go for drinks or something, I was thinking about the mission, planning the next steps."

"I thought it seemed that way sometimes. So I almost convinced myself that it was enough, what we had – the trust, the rapport, the camaraderie. But then long after midnight, I'd hear you struggling with a nightmare, crying out sometimes, and all I wanted was to be there for you. Be someone for you to lean on, I guess. So I did what I could to help and even if we never talked about it, you never told me to stop offering."

He's the one to stop walking this time. We're near the trail that leads into the West Vancouver park and there's a bench. He draws me down next to him there and looks directly into my eyes. "I never thanked you for that, for those nights. Maybe I thought if I mentioned it, that would make it too real. It always felt like something apart from reality... if that makes any sense. Something we shared but didn't have to write up in a report or anything. I don't know."

I reach for his hands. Despite the warmth of the sun, they're cold as I wrap mine around them. 

"Maybe. It was just hard to see you carrying so much weight alone. Not letting anyone close enough to help. And I've never forgiven myself for not being there for you the one time you really _did_ need me..."

He completes my thought. "Before Ilos... Kaidan, you were flat on your back with a migraine. I didn't even realize that you knew I was looking for you that night. You're right. I felt very alone, and I needed to talk to someone... to _you_. Because you would understand. But when I saw you lying there in pain, all I wanted was for you to feel better. Because it hurt to see you suffering and have no way to help."

"I remember you coming to sickbay. I recognized your voice talking to Chakwas. Then you told me to feel better, that you needed me. And you touched my hand. I don't know what it meant to you, but I never forgot it."

"It was all I could do. It's what you did for me when you helped calm my nightmares, just a simple touch. And I remember it too, Kaidan."

It doesn't take much to recall the rest. The battle with Saren. With Sovereign. The seemingly endless wait before Shepard had emerged from the rubble of that fight, alive against all odds. The moment when I could breathe again. 

"After almost losing you in the fight with Sovereign, I promised myself I'd be content with whatever we had, with being able to fight by your side, to keep you safe. You were alive. That's all that mattered."

I drop my gaze to focus on our joined hands resting on his thigh. But after a moment I meet his eyes and reach up to cup his face with both hands, nearly losing myself in his eyes.

"But then you died. I heard you gasp your last breath. The full realization slammed home at that moment. Everything I'd been hiding from both of us. That I loved you. And that it was too late..."

_____________________________________________________

 

John is so still. Finally he turns his head enough to kiss my fingers that had been pressed against his cheek. His voice is quiet.

"I didn't know, Kaidan. I'll never know how I missed realizing how you felt. You trusted me with things I knew you didn't talk about lightly. And I valued your opinions so much. Maybe it started with that for me too, but if so, I had no name for whatever it was..." His voice drops to a low whisper. "Not for a long time..." 

I trace my fingertips across his cheekbone before bringing my head close enough that our foreheads touch. "John. Please don't be sorry. I could barely recognize the feeling myself until it was too late. It wasn't something I'd ever felt before."

Some of the worry lines on his forehead begin to fade as I pull back, still holding eye contact. But the little crease between his eyebrows is still there... like he's still trying to process everything we've said. 

We gaze out over the bay in a silence broken only by the sound of the waves. That view, and that sound, always calms me... I hope it does the same for him. 

Finally he leans close and touches my lips with his in the softest of kisses. "We probably should go..."

It's past mid-afternoon; the angle of the light is changing. I offer John a hand. He takes it and we get up and turn for home. I know he'll never say anything about his leg getting tired, but I want him to be able make it back before it starts hurting too much, and before he has to rely on the cane. It doesn't help much on the beach anyway. 

We take it slow, not talking much. It's low tide and he stops now and again to poke at something with his toe. If it seems interesting, he might stoop down to retrieve it... usually a seashell, sometimes a shiny bit of sea glass tumbled smooth. 

He has a few of those that he keeps in a teacup. Sometimes I see him toying with them, running his fingertips over their surfaces, or picking up a piece to trace its rounded edges, worn smooth by tide and time. Maybe it helps him relax or focus his thoughts away from pain. I know his therapist back at the London hospital had suggested he try meditating, but I don't know that he ever did. 

We pause by a rocky outcropping that we seem to have made our own. The breeze has picked up, occasionally driving spray ashore. Shepard turns toward me and takes my face in his hands, kissing me softly before brushing water droplets from my hair with his fingertips. 

"Thank you, Kaidan... for sharing all of that with me. I keep thinking back, trying to see how I didn't recognize it. Forgive me?"

I kiss him again, less gently, pouring as much love as I can into it. "There's nothing to forgive. We found our way. Look at us. Here we are... together."

_____________________________________________________

 


	2. The Good Times and the Hard Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Putting the pieces together.

 

"Good dinner, Kaidan. Almost feel like we need another walk to burn off the calories though. Or something..." He shifts his weight from one leg to the other, shaking his head with a frown. "Probably not going to happen... at least not the walk. Not tonight."

"I'll take care of the dishes. You can rest your leg. I'm sure we can think of _some_ way to burn those calories later."

I'd suspected that the hip or leg was bothering him after this afternoon's walk. Maybe I was right, because he doesn't argue with me about the dishes being his job tonight since I'd cooked. 

When I go looking for him after the kitchen is cleaned up, I'm surprised that he's not on the couch in the living room. I find him outside on the deck, leaning on the railing, watching the sun as it sinks over the bay. He's toying with that piece of beach glass he found today, his thoughts far away. 

Crossing the deck to stand next to him, it almost seems a shame to disturb him. But I'm curious, so I ask quietly, "What are you thinking about?"

He doesn't answer right away and he doesn't turn toward me when he does, his eyes still on the sunset. "You and me, Kaidan. The good times... and the hard times."

Eventually turning toward me, he glances down at the amber glass nugget he's holding and reaches out to touch my cheek. "Your eyes are this color." He slips it into the front pocket of his jeans for safekeeping.

I wait for him to continue, but he's hesitating. Finally, he takes a deep breath and begins to share his thoughts.

"I was thinking about things you told me today. Maybe I wasn't entirely honest when I said I didn't realize how you felt about me. But if it was a lie, it was one I've told myself often enough that I started believing it."

"John, I think we all do that. Sometimes we're just not ready to see things that seem obvious when you look back at them."

I want to ask him the same question he'd asked me, about when he did finally realize that he loved me. It's something I've wondered about ever since... well, for a long time now. But I don't want to put him on the spot, not when he already seems to be in a mood to talk about things. I know that doesn't come easily for him. Maybe if I'm patient, there'll be no need to ask.

He nods, his posture relaxing a little. "I think maybe I'd known for a long time that there was _something_ between us – some kind of connection, beneath the surface."

I step closer, resting a hand on his lower back. "Yeah, it seemed that way to me. You could feel it when we fought together sometimes."

"A lot of times when we were fighting together. Even Garrus noticed it. He mentioned it once on the _SR2_ when we were talking about old times. He wondered if it was common for humans to communicate without words."

I huff a laugh. "What did you tell him?"

"Just that it wasn't common, but it was nice – and useful – when it did happen." 

"You're the only one I could ever do that with, Shepard. And I don't think it was because you were predictable... But, I don't know, sometimes I just sensed what you were going to do and what you needed from me in support. Body language, maybe... hard to say."

"Yeah, I never felt it before you... or after. No need for a lot of words. I just trusted that you'd be there, watching my back."

He stretches a little before continuing, twisting his back like a cat under my hand and rolling his shoulder. I'd never seen him do that before Cerberus rebuilt him. Maybe the shoulder joint has never felt quite normal after that... I never asked. 

"Outside of battle, I don't know... Back on the old _Normandy_ , sometimes I'd glance in your direction and catch you looking back at me. You'd have kind of a soft look in your eyes, an unguarded moment, I guess."

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the amber sea glass nugget again, rubbing a fingertip across its smooth surface before tucking it away again, for safekeeping.

"I noticed how golden brown your eyes were. Sometimes when you caught me looking, you'd smile... just a shy hint of a smile. Other times you'd look away quickly, cheeks flushed. I always wondered what you were thinking."

"Do you want to know?"

"I do now. I'm not sure I was ready to know back then..."

Shifting my hand to his arm, I skim the swell of his bicep and the muscles of his forearm, threading my fingers between his before answering. "Sometimes I was embarrassed to be caught sneaking a glance at you."

His low chuckle makes me smile. "I guessed _that_ part, Kaidan." 

"Other times – maybe the times I smiled – I thought I saw something that might have been interest. Or so I hoped... that maybe you liked what you saw as much as I did." It makes me smile now, remembering those times and how the flush he'd noticed on my cheeks were usually accompanied by other bodily responses. 

John doesn't tend to blush, but he does look away for a moment, replying into the twilight rather than meeting my eyes. "Maybe so." 

I'm remembering other things now too. "There was an occasional glance that lingered a little longer than necessary, or I'd catch an appreciative look as we suited up together..." I pause, not sure which of us might be more embarrassed by this next recollection. "And there was your resolute refusal to even glance at me if we ended up in the shower room together. It all made me want to know more about you."

He strokes my palm with his thumb and I shiver a little, not with cold. "We made quite a pair then, Kaidan. Because I wanted to know more about you, too... things I couldn't ask... things that were really none of my business to know."

"You never asked me much that wasn't related to my biotics or my background... or my family sometimes. What did you think you couldn't ask about?" I know I might be pushing here. 

"I don't know... things like whether you liked men as well as women, I guess. I never saw you with anyone. All I knew is what you'd told me about Rahna. I thought at one point maybe you might be interested in Liara, but what did you call it? Just _art appreciation_?"

I can feel my cheeks reddening again... I'd forgotten that conversation. "Something like that. I think at first I took your question about her as evidence that your interest might lie in that direction. I know she had a serious crush on you from the start. But I never saw anything happen between you. You were hard to read in that respect too..." My voice trails off, somehow hesitant to admit the rest. "But I had hopes..." 

He nods, lips quirking into a smile. "Not unfounded. But even if I had any interests in that direction, Liara seemed pretty young then, even by her own admission. She became a good friend though... and she probably saved your life."

That's news to me. "When was that?"

"On Mars. When I got you back to the _Normandy_ , you were in pretty bad shape, and I was... kind of in shock, I guess."

His voice trails off and he looks out over the water for what seems like a long time. "I didn't know if you were going to make it, Kaidan... your body was so still. Liara had to get in my face and tell me you urgently needed medical attention and we'd have to leave the Sol system to get it. She suggested the Citadel, and Joker got us the hell out of there. I don't freeze up very often in a crisis..."

That's true. I've seen him in a lot of tense situations where a quick decision would mean life or death... and he was always on top of it. The image that comes to mind is a painful one – when he ordered me to the escape pod and went to save Joker when the _Normandy_ was attacked. Fire all around us, and he was a calm in the center of it all...

I have to shake myself out of that memory and hope I haven't missed anything he has been saying. But his eyes are still focused on something in the distance, as lost in his own thoughts as I'd been in mine.

John shifts his position as he leans on the deck railing... almost all his weight is on his good leg now. The sun has set and the moon is visible above the afterglow on the horizon. It's a clear night with a promise of stars. You can see a lot more of them from here these days, with less light pollution from the city. 

"Do you want to go inside... or sit down out here? Looks like your leg might appreciate it."

He shakes his head and rests a hand over mine on the railing. "Not yet. I'm good. You worry about me. It's ironic – back on the _Normandy_ , I used to worry about you, with your migraines. I remember talking to Chakwas to be sure you were taking care of yourself and that she had everything she needed to help you."

I squeeze his hand gently, noticing that it's his injured hand. Lately, he's been offering me that one to hold... told me once that my hand was always warm and that felt so good. I'd smiled and murmured something about biotics.

"I didn't know you kept track of my health so closely, Shepard. I wanted it to be a non-issue... that I'd always be ready to go on a mission whenever you needed me." My voice goes quiet as an old worry resurfaces. "I didn't want to be a burden... a liability. I didn't want you to think of me as unreliable because of my implant."

He's quick to deny it. "Unreliable? Never. I was just concerned... hated seeing you in pain. But I knew you were the one who'd always be at my side, who'd go the last mile with me, even into hell."

There's a pause, as he seems to consider his next words.

"And one other thing from those days, Kaidan – I wasn't blind. I always saw you as one hell of an attractive man. Don't think I never noticed." 

That answers one of my questions... whether he'd ever seen me as a man as well as a marine. I'd definitely noticed how good he looked in BDUs... and armour, especially when he took point on a mission and I had his back. Until the shooting started, the view could be pretty damn distracting. 

"Good to know, Shepard. I'd hate to think that the admiration was all one-sided. But it was just _art appreciation_ for you?"

He bites his lower lip and rubs the side of his neck, hesitating. "At that point in my life, I wasn't giving any serious thought to... relationships. I needed to focus on the mission and couldn't afford the distractions of a personal life. I'd tried..." He meets my eyes for just the briefest moment before looking away. "Let's just say I'd learned it wasn't something I could have."

There's kind of a bleakness in his voice. I want to ask why. What had led him to make a decision like that – to choose a life so alone? But I don't want to pry – it seems so personal. Then the moment is past as he surprises me with his next words. 

"But then... Virmire..."

My breath catches and I swallow hard. I honestly haven't thought of Virmire recently. And a lot of the guilt about it comes rushing back. 

"I couldn't keep everyone safe. No matter how hard I tried. After Ash died, you asked me why I didn't let you die instead. I didn't have a good answer... aside from the standard tactical considerations right out of an ops manual. I wanted to think I made the decision by the book, but really... I just knew I needed you by my side. So I made the call."

I reach for his other hand, clasping both of them between mine. "We grieved for Ash together. Yeah, I questioned why I lived, felt the survivor guilt... but you helped me get through it, you know? I remember us talking about it half the night, just the two of us there in the mess. You never even touched the coffee in the mug you were gripping the whole time."

"Tea... but yeah, you're right."

"You were hurting too, Shepard, and you didn't hide it from me. I was grateful for that... and that you would think about me, and how I'd be feeling. Was that the first time you ever had to make a call like that?"

"Yeah, and it was rough. I'd lost people before, sure, but I'd never been forced to make a decision about it. Never had to choose life and death for people I'd gotten to know... But we got through it, the two of us. Came out stronger together, I think... more of a bond. That's probably why I wanted... _needed_... to talk with you the night before Ilos. I wasn't that close to anyone else." 

His words send me back to that night. I close my eyes, remembering him talking to me by my bed in the medbay, remembering his touch. My voice comes out as little more than a whisper. "I still wish I could have been there for you that night."

"You were in my thoughts, Kaidan. I was worried about putting your career at risk by dragging you – dragging the whole crew – on what the Council believed was a fool's mission. I was willing to pay whatever the price for failure would be, but I didn't want your life ruined, you know?"

"It was my choice, Shepard. Every one of us made the choice to follow you. I trusted you. And Anderson trusted you. That was good enough for me."

He gives me a small smile. "That means a lot to me. Even now, after all these years."

I lean in to touch his lips with a light kiss. "You made the right choice. But even if you'd been wrong, I'd still have respected and supported your decision to try."

He draws away after the kiss, shivering a little. I wonder if I should suggest again that we go inside. But before I can say anything, I realize the shiver wasn't from cold... not the cold _here_ anyway.

"Then I died. I thought about you then too, hoped like hell you'd gotten to safety... that you'd live."

"You've told me that your last thought was for me. I didn't hear any words that I could understand. When I heard your breathing stop, all I knew was that you'd died alone. And I lived... alone."

He slips his hands from mine and hooks an arm around my neck, drawing our foreheads close together again. "I'm so sorry, Kaidan. So, very sorry... to leave you behind."

I take a deep breath, trying not to get lost in that memory, the one that spirals downward into the worst two years of my life. Wanting to see his eyes, I pull back a little. 

"You said you lived... alone. So did I, Kaidan. More alone than anyone on the new _Normandy_ ever knew. And when we first saw each other on Horizon, I realized what I'd been missing. I felt that connection between us again. I saw your eyes light up and you almost smiled."

His words pull me back to the end of those two terrible years, but into the beginning of another nightmare. Horizon. 

"Seeing you there, Shepard... my first impulse was to wrap my arms around you and just hold you, be sure you were really alive. I had no right to do that so I clasped your hand, hoping that would somehow convey... I don't know... _something_ of what I felt."

John slides his hand down my arm to clasp my hand here as he tries to explain how he felt when he first saw me there on Horizon.

"It did, Kaidan. Before the harsh words, I saw the man I knew back on the _Normandy_ , the man who tried to help calm my nightmares with a gentle touch. Then that man was gone and we were strangers to each other."

I can barely remember everything that had gone through my mind that day... my wariness about Cerberus... the sudden feeling of betrayal that he was alive, but choosing to work with them. 

I still don't know what to say, and John continues as if he doesn't notice my silence. Or doesn't mind it. His eyes meet mine and there's no rancor there, just love.

"But Kaidan, just so you know... If you'd followed that impulse, if you'd pulled me into your arms, I wouldn't have pulled away." He hesitates, considering. "I probably would have hugged you back. Everyone there could think whatever the hell they wanted – Garrus knew we were old friends. I don't know if things would have gone differently afterward or not, but... it means a lot to hear that you wanted to do that." 

Despite resisting it, I'm remembering so much of what I'd felt then. "Yeah. I should have had the courage to do it. It was all I'd told myself I ever wanted – one chance to hold you for a moment."

He squeezes my hand and rubs his thumb across my fingers as I try to find the words to explain my actions that day. "I don't know. I was pretty messed-up then. Had been ever since you died. Didn't know what to do with myself, really. I worked out, worked my ass off... I guess Anderson tried to keep me too busy to think. Didn't work that way. I would still think – about everything that I could have done differently maybe. And just think... about you. Missing what we had and what we never had a chance to have. You know?"

"I get it, Kaidan. When they brought me back, I never imagined anyone having grieved for me. Except maybe my mom, after I found out how long I'd been dead."

"You be surprised, Shepard. It was one hell of a wake – just the crew... and Anderson came by for a little while. I don't think there were any dry eyes. Liara was pretty distraught. Tali didn't know what to do with herself, torn between her obligation to return to the migrant fleet and her reluctance to leave the people who'd become her companions."

He chews on his lower lip, trying to process it all. "Damn... a wake? I did not know that. Joker? I guess by the time I ran into him again we were seeing the _SR2_ for the first time..."

"I think he out-drank me... and I've got a biotic metabolism. Don't ask... he was a mess. Textbook survivor guilt. I had that too, but I also had this empty place in my heart, you know?"

He reaches for me, cupping my face with both hands, and presses his forehead to mine. 'Hey, I'm here. And I love you. And I didn't mean to make you relive all that."

I lean against him, appreciating his solid warmth... the closeness was something my younger self had longed for. "It's okay, John. It's good to finally put all the pieces together, maybe. If that makes any sense..."

His arm tightens around me. "Yeah. It does. It's one thing to have forgiven each other... but being able to understand it all... it's good." 

We watch as a couple of small boats make their way toward the marina. Probably sailboats, but motoring home now in the darkness, tiny lights glittering on masts and bows. I used to enjoy watching the boats on English Bay. Not as many here, but it helps make it feel like home. Worlds away from the times and places we've been talking about. 

John finally breaks the silence. "You said today that it took my death to make you realize that you loved me. I can't begin to imagine what you went through. It hit me hard to know that you'd grieved for me... and to have caused you that much pain. And then Horizon... more pain. And yet you still wrote to me to apologize... I didn't deserve that. And I don't remember if I've told you how much it meant to me."

"You did... you told me you reread it so many times. I'm glad. It was all I could do, and I wanted so much to do something. Those were the hard times, Shepard. For us both."

"Yeah. The worst."

_____________________________________________________

 


	3. Greatest Challenge of My Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Realization

 

I don't want to move. We're standing together on the deck, watching the moonrise over the bay, his arm draped around my shoulder and my hand tucked into the back pocket of his jeans. 

Finally, in the silence, John reaches down to rub his knee, shifting weight onto that leg for just a moment before unweighting it again. "We should go inside. So you can prop up your leg... or I could massage it for you."

"I don't know. I like being outside tonight. Maybe if I walk around a little on it...” He pushes away from the railing and walks, limping, to the other end of the deck and back, leaning heavily against the railing again when he returns to where I'm waiting. 

"John... listen to your body. We could sit on the bench here. Or the steps, maybe... like at my Mom's house. I guess we should think about adding a double width deck chair to the furnishings here sometime."

He bites his lower lip, wincing from a leg spasm. "Okay... you're right. My leg hurts like hell."

I offer my arm and he leans on it as we make our way to the door. "Couch or bed?"

"Couch is fine. I can stretch out the leg."

"I could try to coax the muscles into relaxing if you wanted to lie down on the bed..."

He leans in to kiss me softly. "I'm not ever going on record as passing up the chance to lie naked in bed and let you massage me... but I think this conversation we've been having might degenerate pretty fast. So maybe just postpone it and let's sit here together for a bit, okay?"

"Sure thing. You want something to drink? A beer? Shot of whisky and a beer? We still have half a bottle of that Laphroaig that Mom gave us from Dad's collection."

I'm glad to hear his low laughter. "Shot and a beer sounds pretty good actually... if you'll join me. I had enough of drinking alone on the _SR2_..."

"Okay, I'll be right back. Try to relax."

________________________________

 

John's gaze is focused on the deep amber liquid in his glass. He'd quickly downed one shot and poured another, but isn't really drinking that one, just swirling it around. After finishing a shot as well, I've moved on to the beer. I'm hoping the drinks will help him relax and ease the tightness in his hip and leg. He has kicked off his shoes and is flexing the toes of his bad leg, alternately tightening and relaxing the leg muscles. 

I'm not sure how to restart the conversation. It's really up to him. We're sitting close together on the couch and when he settles a little more deeply into the cushions, I wrap an arm around his shoulder.

He leans his head back against it. "The whisky reminds me of nights on the _SR-2_. But the company tonight is a hell of a lot better."

"I would hope so. There wasn't anyone who'd join you for a drink?"

"No. Well, I guess maybe if I'd asked. Garrus, probably... if he wasn't busy with calibrations. And he was fighting his own demons. But I wasn't very good company, so mostly I drank alone. With my ghosts, maybe." He pauses, swirling the liquid in his glass again. 

"There were nights I'd just stare into the glass and think about things. Including you... I remembered the smile you sometimes gave me, back on the old _Normandy_. And the whisky was the color of your eyes. Thinking about _that_ usually meant it was time to stop drinking before I convinced myself that I'd seen more in your eyes than you ever meant me to see... on Horizon. I couldn't afford those thoughts, especially not then..."

"What did you think you saw?" 

He hesitates, but not for long. It seems like it's something he'd thought about more than once.

"When you first recognized me? Joy, maybe. A welcome at least." He finally takes a slow sip of whisky. "After we talked and you were turning to leave, there was sadness... maybe regret. Like I said, not anything I could afford to dwell on."

"John, I was the one too blind, too proud, too hurt... And I just couldn't do what you asked when you invited me to join you."

"I know. Once I thought about it more, I don't think I really wanted you to... I know I didn't expect it. Loyalty and integrity – that's so much a part of you. I don't think I could have lived with myself if you'd given that up for me. You would have regretted it... and it might have destroyed whatever was between us."

Settling back against the cushions with my lager, I nod. "Maybe. I don't know. I was so messed-up, so confused about you even being alive. Glad of course, but suspicious, since... well, Cerberus."

"Yeah. I spent some pretty grim nights with the bottle. But then I got your letter. That stirred up a lot of emotions... mostly relief that you didn't hate me, that you would reach out to me still, no matter what I'd become. Maybe that's when I started to seriously map out my exit plan. It wasn't until I had that ready to go that I finally let myself reply to you... once I finally had something to say."

I set the empty beer bottle on the floor and shift so I can face him, tucking a leg beneath me and resting a hand on his thigh. "I'm glad you did. Hearing from you meant... maybe this sounds like an exaggeration, but it meant everything."

"I rewrote the first part so many times... trying to explain everything to you. But some of it I couldn't even explain to myself. I deleted it all in the final version – it was what it was and nothing I could say would change what had happened. I wanted to look ahead – assuming there'd even be a future – not backward."

"John, when I asked you last night about your signature on the letter you sent me... "

"You said it felt like a gift."

"And you said _maybe it was_... Was that when you realized that you loved me?"

"No... yes... I don't know. I guess I wanted to offer you something. In case I didn't come back. I didn't have much to offer. Just that. But no, I don't think that was really the moment."

I wait. He'll tell me in his own time. John's eyes lock with mine, and he reaches for both of my hands, taking a deep breath. 

"You said once that people near death see their lives flash before their eyes. That didn't happen to me when I died... at least I don't remember it happening. But a lot of my life _did_ flash before my eyes when _you_ nearly died on Mars."

There's a slight tremble in the hands holding mine. I used to feel it sometimes during his recovery, usually when he wanted desperately to push through some barrier that was holding up his progress – maybe a physical limitation, but sometimes it was a mental roadblock. My fingers curl around his, holding tightly. 

"Watching you being slammed into that shuttle, falling limp... and then gathering up your body, not knowing if you'd live... Not knowing if I'd ever see you smile at me again. When I laid your body down in the _Normandy_ , I was stunned... had I just carried you to safely for the last time? Liara had to urge me to get you to a hospital. I was caught up somewhere between past and future... and the only clear thought I had was that I loved you. And that you might not live to ever know it."

"John..." But he lifts his fingertips to my lips, needing to continue, now that he's come to the moment he's been working toward in all of this. 

"I didn't know what to do with the knowledge. I'd never felt that for anyone, ever. And I had no idea if you would even want to hear it... not after Horizon... and after our rocky start together, back on the _Normandy_. But none of that mattered. Somehow, after way too many years, I knew exactly what I felt. And it was love."

His face is so open, blue eyes darkened and intense. It's like he's stripped away some last layer, uncovering a part of himself he'd never shown me before, laying himself bare before me. It's more intimate than lying naked together, buried deep inside him, both of us spent. 

He finally drops his gaze to our joined hands, squeezing hard. And he has more to tell me.

"I'm sure you never knew how much time I spent with you at Huerta before you regained consciousness. The doctors would throw me out so they could care for you and I'd slip right back in as soon as I could. I sat by your bed, thinking it was the least I could do... just be by your side, the way you'd always stood by me."

He meets my eyes again and his are full of both emotion and unshed tears. "Kaidan. No one knew if you were going to make it. And I couldn't bear the idea of you dying alone."

My eyes are wet now too. I don't wipe my own tears away but I kiss the few that have slid down his cheek unnoticed. "John... I don't have any words..."

He brushes his fingertips across my cheeks and his hands skim lightly over my ears to thread into the hair at the nape of my neck. I shiver a little at the gentleness of the touch around the old scars there. 

"I'm sure you don't remember any of that. On the second night, your arm slid down over the edge of the bed. I was going to lay your hand back on your stomach. But it was warm... you felt alive. And forgive me for the presumption, but I just sat there and held your hand for a long time. When I did finally let go and gave your hand back, I whispered to you. I don't know if I wanted you to hear it or was scared to death that you would. And I didn't know if I would ever get to say it again. Simple words – _I love you, Kaidan. Please, just live_."

Our heads are still close together and I press a kiss to his lips, soft and lingering, trying to imagine those moments at Huerta.

"I don't remember hearing it... but unconsciousness is a strange thing sometimes. On some level, I sensed you being there. Or maybe I was just dreaming. I don't know." 

I try to remember the sequence of events after I did regain consciousness. "Is that why you asked me about Horizon when I invited you to visit me later? You asked if I thought we could ever get past it. You looked so worried."

Stroking my fingertips across his forehead, I feel only traces of the worry lines that were etched there that day. 

"I guess I couldn't hide much from you, even then. Yeah. I had to ask. When we first saw each other in Vancouver, I thought maybe I'd felt... I don't know what, something like the old connection between us."

"You might have felt my eyes on you as you walked past. I don't think I was very discreet. Vega noticed something and asked if I knew you."

"What did you tell him?"

"As much truth as I could. That I used to."

"When we met, you said it was good to see me, Kaidan. That meant a lot. There was a moment when everyone else around me seemed to recede... Anderson, James, the aides. It was just you and me. I wanted to say more... but the moment passed and then everything went to hell."

"Yeah. I could hardly believe you and Anderson survived the attack. Seeing you leap over onto the _Normandy_... I was so relieved to see you. _You_ , John... not just Commander Shepard." 

His gaze drops and I can feel his brow furrowing a little, maybe at the memory of leaving Earth... I don't know. But he meets my eyes again and returns to our meeting in the hospital. 

"At Huerta, I still needed to know if you ever thought you could trust me again. When you said yes, that you wanted to put it behind us and we agreed to forgive each other, it felt like... I don't know, it just felt right. Then you asked if I was flirting with you... and clearly hoped I was. I didn't know much about flirting, Kaidan... Still don't, I guess."

Remembering that conversation, I realize now that he's right. He really had no intention of flirting – he was just being so much more open than I'd ever known him to be and I didn't know what that might mean. "I see that now. I wasn't sure how else to explain it to myself - the gift, the concern, the frank honesty. I guess flirting wasn't really the right word..."

There's a small smile on his face as he nods in agreement. "I just needed to know we were good... didn't dare think much beyond the moment. We were still facing the Reapers. But I could finally be honest with myself... that I could feel again." 

"I wasn't sure what it meant either, John. But I knew something had changed between us. It gave me hope."

He reaches up to cup my cheek with his hand, brushing his thumb over my lips. I nibble small kisses against it as his touch lingers.

"You wanted to know when I knew I loved you. That was it. Hell of a pair we make, Kaidan. It took my death to make you sure... and it nearly took yours for me to finally give a name to everything I'd been feeling."

I pull him into my arms and kiss him like it was our first kiss all over again. Deep, lingering, pouring all of myself into it. I feel the moment he melts against me and I've never felt closer to anyone... ever.

"Kaidan. I love you so much. Forgive me for being so slow to realize it." 

"I've told you – there's nothing to forgive. I might not have heard it the first time you told me you loved me, but you told me again when it mattered most. And I knew it before then – without words."

I kiss him again, trailing the kisses from his mouth across his jaw and down his neck to come to rest on the pulse at the base of his throat. Feeling his heart beating, his breath catching. He shivers and tilts his head back, offering... asking for more. When I finally lift my head, his eyes have gone soft and dark. "Come to bed, John. I need you. All of you. And I owe you a massage."

He's in no hurry to unwind his arms from around my neck, but my hands, slipping beneath the hem of his shirt to stroke warm skin, are having an effect. 

"Yeah... that would be a good beginning..."

_____________________________________________________

 


	4. What We Missed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Interlude

 

"John? I was wondering about something. You don't have to answer this if it makes you uncomfortable."

Lying next to him in our rumpled bed, I'm propped up on an elbow, rubbing slow circles on his chest, pausing to trace fingertips around and across his nipples before sliding my hand lower. Following the trail of dark hair down his stomach, teasing, I finally veer off-course to come to rest near his hip. 

"What? Don't know what you could ask that I wouldn't want you to know. And don't stop... that feels good."

I've been thinking about our conversation last evening. "You said you saw me as attractive... as long ago as the old _Normandy_. Did you ever imagine what it would be like to be together?"

He doesn't think long about the question and meets my eyes as he answers. "Fantasize? Yeah. Sometimes." He pauses for a moment, the small worry line appearing between his eyebrows. "Does that bother you?"

"Hell no. You weren't the only one."

He reaches over to hook an elbow around my neck, drawing me close enough to kiss. A long kiss, hot and deep. His other hand reaches for mine and places it where he wants most to be touched. 

I always love these moments with him, feeling the first stirrings of renewed arousal as he hardens beneath my hand. "Was this part of what you imagined?" 

His sharp inhale would have been answer enough, but this seems to be a night for words. "Yeah, sometimes. Your hands... I used to watch your hands on that console, the way you handled a weapon. Strong hands, but you seemed to have a light touch. I wondered what they would feel like touching me, with purpose... oh god, Kaidan... like _that_..."

I've barely moved my hand, but have gradually been increasing the pressure as he begins to respond. He swallows a moan and shifts his position, opening his legs to offer me more access. Taking it as an invitation, I stroke his inner thighs, feeling his shiver as my open palm caresses the sensitive skin of first one leg and then the other. Where the stroke ends, I cup him gently, enjoying the weight of him in my hand, before returning my attention to his hardening erection. 

"How does that feel?" My voice sounds husky even to my own ears, and I feel myself hardening along with him. "Is it what you imagined when you touched yourself and thought of my hand on you?"

Closed eyes flicker open again and his breath catches before he manages to reply. "So much better. I was never... so gentle, so deliberate."

Wrapping my hand more firmly around his thick length, I circle the head with my thumb as his hips thrust upward seeking more. "What else did you think about? My mouth?" 

His words start to fail him as I continue stroking him, spreading the slickness as it appears. "Sometimes... But more often... in the dreams, you wrapped your hand around us both..."

"You wanted to touch me the way I'm holding you?" 

He nods, eyes meeting mine, pleading. I shift to cover him, drawing his hand between us to wrap my erection and rub our lengths against each other. My own breath catches as we make that contact and I shift my hand to cover his, squeezing and stroking us both. "John... you feel so good... as good as you imagined?"

"No comparison... Don't stop... god, Kaidan... don't fucking stop!"

I'm trying to control my own breathing, trying to make this last for him, but it's a losing battle. His hand is relentless, and rubbing against one another in the shared slickness pushes us both to the edge all too soon. I'm not sure which of us comes first but what I feel is both of us shuddering, pulsing together. 

"Kai... _Kaidan._.. stay with me!"

I'm not sure if he's talking to me or to his fantasy lover long ago, but my answer is the same either way. "Always... I'll always be here."

He's already drifting back toward sleep as I reach for the tissues we keep by the pillow to clean us up a little. I'm not sure if he hears me or not, but I need to tell him as I wrap my arms around him and rest my head on his chest. "So much more than any dream or fantasy..."

_____________________________________________________

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of their dialogue here was inspired by and owes a grateful thanks to [potionsmaster](http://archiveofourown.org/user/potionsmaster) for her story [Wish You Were Here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/3616317).


	5. The Greatest Reward

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone to live for...

 

"You've never said much about the time after you came back to Earth with the _Normandy_."

We're lying amidst rumpled bedclothes, legs still tangled together. I guess we slept a little, but we're both awake now. And I keep thinking about everything John told me about how he finally realized that he loved me. I didn't want to sidetrack him once he finally started talking about it, but I'm still curious about things he didn't say. 

"I guess not. It was rough. I expected that it would be, but knew I had to do it. I'd promised Hackett that I would... it was the only thing that felt right to me. I knew there would be consequences..."

I stroke my hand idly up and down his arm, needing the connection. "Sounds like it would have been difficult, for a lot of reasons."

"When I was locked up... _detained_ they called it... in Vancouver, I had a lot of time to think. In almost every way I was more alone than I'd been on the _Normandy_ with a Cerberus logo plastered everywhere I looked. No messages... barely any visitors. Not even any damn whiskey. Just me and my thoughts."

"Wasn't Vega there with you? It seemed like he knew you – on that day in Vancouver when we ran into each other, before everything went to hell."

"James was my _keeper_... my bodyguard... I don't know what the hell his job title was. He didn't live there with me, but we did spend some time together. They let me work out in a small gym in the building and he joined me... might as well. 

I run my hand down his arm again, nearly as toned now as I remember noticing when he first returned to duty. "That was time well-spent."

He smiles, flexing the arm a bit for my appreciation. "We talked some, too. Could have been a lot worse – I don't think James was convinced that I was the traitor the Alliance brass claimed I was. Said Anderson had handpicked him. And Anderson was the closest thing to an ally that I had there – Hackett didn't have much influence with that bunch of desk jockeys."

"What else did you do to pass the time?"

"Did some reading. Played cards, I guess. But with nothing to really bet with, it was hard to get into it. James said something about how it wasn't much fun gambling with someone with nothing to lose... And I browsed the hell out of the extranet." 

"I wasn't sure if you had access. That's something – at least you could watch _Blasto_ marathons."

I feel his laughter as much as hear it, transmitted from his body to mine. "Hell, yes! Plenty of _Blasto_. Sometimes I amused myself by leaving an interesting trail for whoever was keeping track of my extranet usage. Hope they appreciated the elcor porn sites."

Now I'm the one laughing. I prop myself up on a elbow. "You didn't!" 

"Oh yes, I did. ' _Highly aroused: Fuck me, baby_.' You know, the usual smut. Some hanar sites too, I guess. Gave them a variety. Probably provided a nice break from the news services, ANN, sites like that. Nothing very interesting, unless they were into the Galactic Iron Chefs competition – the hanar chef won. A knife in every tentacle. That jellyfish should open a teppanyaki place on the Citadel."

"Hey, maybe they did. We should check it out sometime." 

"But if anyone hoped to catch me trying to keep track of Cerberus activity, they were doomed to disappointment. I never wanted to see even their damn logo ever again."

As I lean over to kiss him, John pulls me closer, almost on top of him, murmuring that I should stay close... that I'm warm. _'Better than a blanket.'_

My pleasure. I rest my head on his chest, content to feel him stroking my disheveled hair. "Sounds like you had a lot of time to think."

"Yeah. About the missions... about people I'd known or served with. A lot of good people – too many of them gone now. I thought about my dad... how much it hurt to lose him. I couldn't even imagine how my mom felt. She didn't share much of that with me." 

I tighten my arm around him, holding him as close as I can. "That must have been a terrible time... for both of you. Especially if you weren't sharing the grief with each other." I shake my head against his chest, thinking about how at least Mom isn't afraid to let me know how much she misses Dad. Of course I'm not fourteen either, but still... 

His voice is dull. "I guess so. The message I got from her at the time was that loss is very personal and all you can do is keep focused on the mission and get through it as best you can. You know Mom... remember how hard it was for me to find a way to talk to her about anything personal."

"It was hard for you both, John. But she responded well to the letter where you shared some of your feelings. You've still never said much about your dad to anyone though. You know you can talk to me about him if you ever want an ear."

"Thanks... maybe someday. He was a good father... and a good soldier. Mom probably wanted to spare me. But she made sure I knew it was part of the life they chose to live – that bad things can happen to good people and good soldiers. And people you care about." He pauses for a moment. "I still enlisted on my eighteenth birthday."

Before I can say anything, he's continuing, forging ahead.

"And there was someone... I cared about someone once, on Arcturus. But I lost him too. That's when I decided relationships weren't something I could have."

"I'd wondered... never wanted to pry, but guessed there had to be a reason you were so determined to avoid them. Something that went beyond things like fraternization issues." I pause, hesitating, waiting to see if he would say more without my asking, but the silence hangs between us. "Do you want to talk about him? Seems like he was important to you."

He shakes his head, biting his lower lip. "I don't know... not much to say really. It wasn't anything like _this_... like us."

"John, it's okay. I'm not worried about comparisons. We both have our pasts. It's what it was. It just sounds like this was someone who affected your life... affected your choices afterward. That's important."

He's quiet for a few minutes, shifting his leg a little to make it more comfortable. Reaching for the coverlet, I draw it over us both. Something to keep the chill air out, maybe it can also help make this a sheltered safe place for sharing things he's never told anyone about. 

"I think I told you once, I had a roommate on Arcturus who taught me to cook. That was Greg. The Alliance sent me back there for some advanced training after everything that happened on Elysium. I don't know... we'd been drinking one night and got to talking. He said he'd noticed I never talked about women. I said something about not being built that way and he said he'd wondered. One thing led to another pretty quickly after that." 

"Makes sense. I hope it went well. You deserved something good in your life."

"I didn't have much to compare it with, but he was easy to be with, you know? I found myself getting attached and it seemed like maybe he felt something too. Nothing we ever really talked about though. When he shipped out, I still had a couple months to go on Arcturus, but we promised to meet up on shore leave when we could. Never had a chance for that."

My hand finds John's and I stroke my thumb across his palm. Despite our shared warmth, his hand feels cold. 

"He was assigned to a place called Torfan. Batarians. Casualties there were off the chart... and he was among them. We never got to say goodbye... The whole soldier thing really hit home, I guess. First my dad, then Greg... I realized I'd better just focus on the mission... and on keeping my people safe."

Leaning my forehead against his, I try to find some words that seem adequate. "I'm so sorry. That was rough. But I'm glad you trusted me enough to share. It helps me understand."

After I press a kiss to his fingertips, he takes a deep breath and refocuses on his time in detention. 

"Sitting there in Vancouver, I thought about him... And about you too, Kaidan. About the letter you sent me – I'd managed to keep a copy on my omnitool. I didn't know if you'd gotten my reply. Anyway... I started wondering if maybe I'd been wrong. About relationships. You and I had been friends – close friends. How could that be wrong? To have someone to live for?"

Rolling onto my side, but still pressed up against him, I reach over to touch his cheek. "It wasn't wrong. I get why you'd feel that way, but I'm glad you realized it could be okay... to let yourself be vulnerable, with the right person. To keep denying yourself that kind of connection – it just sounds so lonely."

"On the _SR2_ , I got to know a couple of people who'd each lost someone... spent time talking with both of them. Thane and Kasumi both still grieved their losses, but I never got the idea from either of them that they regretted having loved. They had their memories, good and bad."

I know Thane's memories were extremely vivid. He'd shared his memories of Shepard with me when he visited me at Huerta. He said it was a Drell ability, both a blessing and a curse. Recalling my own memories of when John died, I touch my lips to the living man lying next to me. "I don't know how losing you might have felt different if we'd actually been together. But as much as it hurt, I never regretting loving you."

He returns the kiss, gathering me in with a strong arm around me. It feels protective and seems to silently acknowledge my loss. 

"Yeah. That's something I wondered about when I was sitting by your bedside at Huerta. Despite all you'd been through on my account... Alchera, Horizon... you never mentioned regrets."

"Never."

"When the committee called for me that last morning in Vancouver – when I saw _you_ there – everything came rushing back. I tried not to show too much of what I felt... and we had just enough time to exchange those few short words and a long look." 

"Yeah, it was good to finally see you again. It had been so long... I'd been worried about you."

"You told me you were glad to see me. After all that time alone, and everything that had gone down... I wasn't sure _anyone_ would ever be glad to see me. Especially you."

I trace the curve of his ear with my fingertip, memorizing it again, before stroking the soft skin behind it. His breath catches but he presses on.

"I didn't know what you might have heard or been told about why I was arrested, detained... the extranet was teeming with rumors."

"I ignored all that. I wish they would have let me see you, or talk to you. I wanted to hear from _you_ about what all really happened. If I learned anything from Horizon, it's that I need to hear you out before judging."

He reaches up to wrap his hand around my wrist, bringing it to his lips to kiss the pulse there.

"I'd asked Anderson if I could see you, or talk to you, when I first got to Vancouver."

"What did he say besides no?" His tone still holds traces of the bitterness of those dark days.

"He said I could do you the most good by being an unbiased witness. You know, in case they wanted me to testify. Anderson... I don't know, he surprised me then. He gripped my shoulder for a moment and said, " _Don't give up hope, son. We'll all get through this._ " 

"Damn. I had no idea. It sounds like him though... I'd glad he still had hope."

"Yeah. And it seemed like he was always looking out for me. Not just for my career, you know? He worried about me after you died... thought I was taking it pretty hard, I guess. Tried to convince me to take some time off... go home and see my family."

"But you didn't?"

I shake my head, resting it on John's chest again, tucked under his chin. "No. I knew Mom would figure things out... and I wasn't ready to talk about it – about you – to anyone. I did go to Earth for a few days... to Vancouver, alone."

"That sounds painful. What did you do there? Where did you even stay if not at your parents' place?"

"Stayed at the barracks at Esquimalt. Visiting officers’ quarters, if you can believe that. They went all out for a _Normandy_ survivor." I know my voice probably sounds bitter still, after all this time. "What did I do? I walked. Walked the beach, not far from here, actually. But I always ended up at the same place..."

John's voice is hushed and achingly gentle. "The lighthouse."

"Yeah. Spent a lot of those three days there. Thought a lot. Cried more than once."

"You cried for me? Kaidan..."

"For you... for what never was. What never had a chance to be. But somehow, I don't know... sitting there brought me more peace than I could find anywhere else. Not hope then, not really. But I thought about what you'd want me to do. To keep on. Not to give up. That helped. _You_ helped."

He touches my cheek, confirming what he probably suspected about tears. "I'm glad you told me, Kaidan. I knew that lighthouse meant a lot to you but I had no idea just how much or how often you turned to it, just to touch base."

"Yeah. When I got back to the Citadel I told Anderson I was ready for a new assignment. He looked back at me without saying anything for a long time. But finally nodded and gave me new orders. I was glad he didn't ask for any details."

John threads his fingers through my hair, pushing back a few strands that have fallen onto my forehead. "I miss Anderson... losing him that way... it was rough. I don't know. Maybe it made me more determined to finish what we started."

His voice trails off and he tightens his arm around me. I wrap mine around his waist again and just hold him. 

"Yeah. He was a good person. I know he looked out for you – even when he wouldn't put us in touch with each other."

He nods, his cheek rubbing against my hair. "I'm glad he was looking out for you too, Kaidan. He told me, at the end... that he never had any children. He would have been a good dad."

"I think he might have thought of you like a son... seemed like it sometimes."

"He knew my father, served with him at one point. Maybe he kept an eye on me after Dad was killed, I don't know."

"Felt like he kind of let us have a moment there in Vancouver. Before they told him the committee was waiting for you. Maybe he'd made some guesses about us."

His heartbeat under my cheek, as I'm nestled on his chest, is reassurance. I can't help thinking how fortunate we are that he – and Anderson – lived through the attack that day in Vancouver. Lifting my head enough to find his lips, the kiss is gentle and full of love. "We're so very lucky to be here together." 

" _Someone to live for_... that's why we're here. I'm sure of it." 

As his fingers stroke slowly through my hair, John's words are quiet, his voice starting to sound sleepy. "I love you, Kaidan.... always know that. Even if it took me way too long to be certain of it.

My eyes drift closed, lulled by his warmth, his touch, his voice. 

"Love you too... more than ever..."

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End file.
